Fear v Security

Here in Austin we have the Dell Jewish Campus. A bunch of synagogues, Hebrew school, Jewish Community Center.  Big fence around it--a ghetto.  I have strong feelings about this.  There is a security guard/shack at the front gate.  I hate it.  It makes me feel unwelcome.  Why do we need a guard?  What do we have to fear?  Some people say it makes them feel more secure.  Secure about what?  Being stopped at the front gate to ask me what I'm doing and where I'm going just makes me angry.  Apparently just a sticker on the car is pass enough not to stop you.  So how is that secure?

If someone wants to bomb me, shoot me, or otherwise terrorize me because I'm a Jew they will find a way to do it.  A guard at the front gate won't stop them, it just angers and insults me.  I refuse to live in fear of some unknown threat.  And I refuse to believe some guard at the front gate is actually protecting me.

Musical Shabbat

Last night I went to a synagogue for the first time in years. I heard about a musical shabbat service on the radio and decided I'd like to go. I have a lot of anxiety about going to services. I don't like people talking to me and asking me questions. Of course, the people are just trying to be nice, but it gives me horrible anxiety. I was so happy when the service actually started and the woman who was talking to us went to sit with her kids. Ross says I just want to be left alone with my god. That's funny, and silly, seeing as I'm going to a service with other people, but that's really how I feel.

Part of the thing I like about going to services is that the words have been the same for thousands of years. The tunes however, are not always the same. I don't like that. I find comfort in the prayers and tunes that I know. I was expecting an upbeat services with singing and instruments. Instead the songs were almost all slow. One or two sounded like lullabies. One sounded really depressing. I felt like Carol King was singing the service. It was odd. The instruments included a drum, a tambourine, and a guitar.

I did really like the Rabbi. This week's Torah portion is when god tells Avram (who later becomes Abraham) to get himself going. Perfect. That's exactly what I need to hear, and exactly what I need to do. Get myself going. I wasn't a big fan of the cantor. He wasn't too operatic, but it was still too much for me. Then, there was a little girl up at the front who had her own mic. She was cute, but annoying.

I don't know if we will go back. The parking situation kind of sucked. I knew we were in the right place when I saw a security guard outside. Sad, but true. The seats had no leg room. I don't know when I will have the courage to go to services again. I wish I didn't have to go so far....